


all i want (what i can't have)

by anotherwesternvampire



Category: Fleabag (TV)
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Missing Scene, Religion, but i love these two and their banter, i wrote this at like 4 am when i couldn't sleep, mentions of Daddy KInk, mentions of religion kink, this is around when they first hung out i guess?? not very late in s2 certainly, this is silly and short and not very serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:34:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21826012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherwesternvampire/pseuds/anotherwesternvampire
Summary: fleabag and the priest drink and talk about god (as best they can).
Relationships: Fleabag/Priest (Fleabag)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	all i want (what i can't have)

**Author's Note:**

> title from "all i want is nothing" by frnkiero and thecellabration 
> 
> i was listening to "stomachaches" because i haven't heard the album in years and got inspired to write something silly and cute for these two!! their relationship is one of my favorites of all time but also makes me cry so here's something cheery for them <3

“Would it turn you on to hear someone call you Father during sex? Like, for example, if we were just… _absolutely_ going at it and I were to stop and do the whole ‘forgive me Father for I have sinned’ thing.”

"If I _were_ to have sex, and I would like to make it very clear that that's not happening, I wouldn't, no. Interesting that you’ve specified it’s you and I as well."

“I am a perfectly good hypothetical partner!”

“I have no doubts about that,” he said, grinning.

“Was that flirting?”

“Oh, never. The only person for me is God.”

“Would you say you’re gay for God?”

The priest laughed, shaking his head. “I’m _not_ answering that.”

“Which brings me back to my initial question! God’s the Father of all things, right? People call their partners daddy all the time. Daddy is synonymous with father.”

“Is this in reference to my relationship with a quote-unquote ‘hypothetical’ woman or my, erm, ‘relationship’ with God that you’ve proposed?”

“Either, really.”

“Well if it’s the God bit, I’d like to point out that no one has sex with their actual father and calls him daddy.”

“Speak for yourself!” She paused for a moment. “That made it sound like I do, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, a bit!”

“God, I fucked that up,” she laughed. “However, I don’t know that God counts as your actual father.”

“Of course He does! Why wouldn’t He?”

“If that’s true, then what does that make the man who co-produced you?”

“He’s still my dad.” The man thought for a second. “I guess God would be a bit more like my great-times-a-thousand grandfather.”

“That settles that then. No one calls the person they’re fucking ‘grandfather.’”

“Speak for yourself,” he said, giving a cheeky smile.

“How dare you!”

“How dare _you_ start this conversation!”

“Listen, I’m already going to Hell. This isn’t hurting me any.”

“You don’t have to take me with you!”

"Alright, I’ll stop.” She took a swig of her drink. “After this one point.”

The priest threw his head back and gave a dramatic sigh before smiling at Fleabag. “Sure. One more point.”

“This is back on the whole religion fetish line of thought. Maybe this is just the heretic in me talking, but doesn't absolute devotion to something seep into your fantasies and whatnot? Morticians have that problem all the time."

"First off," he said, smiling and sipping his drink, "I don't know that I'd call that a widespread mortician problem. Secondly, I don't know that religion and necrophilia are comparable." He saw the woman begin to open her mouth and quickly added, "At least not in this scenario."

"Okay, sure, fair enough. Also, unrelated question pertaining to your whole…" she gestured vaguely in his direction. "Career path, I suppose?"

He tilted his head and squinted. "More of a divine calling but yes, go on."

"Why are you drinking? Are priests allowed to drink?"

"To be entirely honest, I'm a _bit_ too drunk to remember the rules for the rest of planet earth. But we are in Ireland!"

"A toast, then. To Ireland."

"To Ireland!"

_Clink._


End file.
